I HAD SEX!

What's better than me putting a story on my blog that I've told numerous times to many different people that was barely humorous in the first place? Who knows. I guess the only bad thing about it is I won't get to see the priceless reactions I receive from telling people face to face.

(sample reaction)
(upon finishing story)
Person Hearing Story: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT WAS FUNNY!
Me: You actually liked it?
Person Hearing Story: Oh sorry, I was thinking about something funny I saw on Seinfeld last night. Your story was shit.

I love using screen-play dialog to represent conversations I've had in life. Some day I hope to piece a bunch of these together and make a Broadway play of my shitty life.

On to the story. It's a wonderful story of my love life.

I was in DisneyWorld with the family (don’t worry this doesn’t turn into some family incest love bullshit, this is legit). If you know Epcot, you know of the World Showcase, a vast land of many small towns all representing one country. They have a small Italy town, China, Japan, Norway, and so on. Well this story takes place in the romantic country of Disney’s Mini-Retarded Italian Clusterfuck (they call it Italy there).

The family was off somewhere leaving me without them. I don’t know exactly where they went, my guess was a wholesome family dinner. They left me there leashed to a light post with a bowl of trout heads.

None the less, I was alone. I went into a fantasy world of chocolate mountains and gummy bear people, when all my day dreaming stopped when I saw this very attractive woman!

She was oddly enough an Italian, for some reason visiting a dumbed-down schizo shit town of her home land. I don’t know if these people actually visit Disney versions of their homeland, or if the Disney Corp. just planted them there to fuck with all of us. I was in the U.K. and saw some Brits, and for reasons unknown they disappeared into a foggy mist when I tried to touch them. Good try Walt, you Nazi sympathizer asshole!

Describing her is hard. She was breathtaking. She had a body like a goddess, with stunning maroon/red/brownish hair flowing endlessly like the blood from a kitten when you stab it right in the fucking heart. I stared at her lovingly.

As I was looking at her, to my surprise she stared back at me too! Oh my God! Well, maybe I shouldn’t give myself TOO much credit. I was hopping around, throwing dildos at everyone as I screamed “I’m the dildo fairy!” She also wasn’t giving me the old “you’re attractive, I want you” stare, she was more giving me the classic “who in the fuck throws around dildos in the middle of Disney World” stare. But that’s beside the point. She was very attractive, and my vain and superficial dick ass self was in love.

The problem was I only got to look at her for 30 or so seconds. Which means I knew that with my completely unstable mental capacity, I wouldn’t remember her face later that night for further “exploring”. Sure enough, my fucking retarded dumbass couldn’t remember. I find that really fucking odd because I can never remember anyone who’s attractive and how they look. However, I see ugly dumb cunt Bette Midler’s face for about a second on accident and now she haunts my dreams every night. FUCK!

Easy come, easy go. Girls in Florida always seem a lot more attractive then up North. Shit, the hottest girl I saw up North had an extra arm and a foot for a face. I’ll never forget you, you little Italian bitch whore (why don’t I get girls?)