LOST MY PHONE! NEED CONTACTS!

Fuck Facebook! I have no fucking friends and no one ever requests me. All I ever get is invitations to groups from people who lost their phone. The infamous “I Need Phone Numbers Group” because for some reason everyone else has a fucking assload of cash and when they lose their phones can afford another goddamn $50,000 cell. Then they complain “OH NO MY FUCKING CONTACTS AREN’T ON MY NEW SHINY RICH ASS IPHONE (on a side note, blow me Apple Inc.), GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBERS VIA FACEBOOK GROUP”. I get about 30 of these a day, and I only have 2 friends on Facebook. Which means everyone’s losing cell phones at an alarming rate.

Here’s my life, you anal douche! My phone gets stolen and I’m dirt ass poor. So I have to reactivate a phone my dad used is his childhood. This fucking monstrosity of a phone weighs about 40 pounds. If you drop it on a child, IT WILL KILL THEM! It also emits radioactive cancer causing discharge. I have five types of cell-phone induced ball cancer. Contacts are the least of my problems. My first problem is that I look like a jackass lugging this piece of shit in a wagon behind me when I leave the house. My second problem is that if I lose this fucking refrigerator phone, instead of getting another one I’m left with an even OLDER DAMN PHONE that explodes when it rains.

So don’t invite me to your groups anymore, just because it’s so hard to be you, without your contacts. Most of the time I’m not even really friends with you so I’ve dumbfounded you want my phone number. Just because you wipe your asses with iPhones and go through them like a fucking Night Elf Huntress goes through a horde of enemy Orcs (YAY WARCRAFT!), doesn’t mean you have to leave me to wallow in my shit life.

Fuck face.

This is an honest to God description that someone made for their “I’M HELPLESS WITHOUT YOUR PHONE NUMBER” groups.

“So after winning some champagne in a karaoke contest on a cruise in Alaska, I dropped my phone and it happened to slip right through the little crack between the floor and the elevator i was about to get on. Needless to say, after falling down seven floors, it is no longer usable.”

Cruise with an elevator? My cruises are fucking inner-tube rides in the Persian Gulf. And what paper thin delicate luxurious phone can fit through an elevator crack? If I dropped my phone in an elevator it would pull the elevator off its threads and the whole goddamn thing would force itself into the Earth’s core, setting off volcanoes all over the world. I don’t just have a phone, I have a device capable of destroying the entirety of human existence.

If I get another one of these invites I’m gonna give your sorry ass a big DECLINE button.

Oh yea, and Facebook creators, thanks for helping me make that threat I just made. If I didn’t have your “scary/ominous” “DECLINE BUTTON” as a tool for my threats, then who knows? I might finish this piece off with some masculinity. Can’t have that.