Me and Alex wrote these two things for our disgusting awful excuse for a website two years ago but never put it up because HTML coding took too long and took away from things that were more interesting like getting my asshole stapled.
It’s about the history of Thanksgiving, we both had input in it with each of us writing alternating paragraphs. Everything written by me will be indicated in italics, and anything written by Alex will be painfully unfunny.
In the 1600s, the devil-worshipping pilgrims sailed across the Atlantic in search for a place where they could quietly sacrifice their young without persecution from the Europeans. Religious freedom wasn't so prevalent, but luckily for the pilgrims, there was more than enough small pox to go around.
However, these were not completely evil people. While their descendents tried, and burned, young ladies on suspicion of being witches, the Pilgrims were perfectly normal people, who just happened to be the only whites in a vast area filled with trees, fish, and Natives. However, the Pilgrims were retarded, and needed help with basic things.
Where could they get their help? Why none other than Indians!? Oh yes, there were plenty of Indians to sacrifice to Satan. So this begun the start of mass killings of Indians. This is most likely where the favorite family tradition of abusing Indians on Thanksgiving came from.
However, the tradition was practiced earlier this year, by the Chicago White Sox. (NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN AFTER THE WHITE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES IN 2005, YES IT’S THAT FUCKING OLD, IT WAS ALSO WRITTEN BEFORE HUMOR WAS INVENTED APPARENTLY) (Sorry, I can't resist a good baseball joke when I see one) Back on track, the mass killings of Indians were not without a cause. You see, God came down and directly told the Pilgrims that if he did not receive 100 Indians every week, he would be very mad. The Pilgrims used their power of imagination to think of what God would do if he were mad. The Pilgrims thought God would sleep, eat, pray, or work, since those were the only activities they knew.
Fearing that God might, heaven forbid, SLEEP, (something that the Astros seemed to do earlier this year when being swept by the White Sox!!!DAMN DOUBLE THE BASEBALL JOKE!) (NOTE: I’M A FUCKING DUMBASS) the pilgrims began to harvest the Indians and killed everyone in sight. This is most likely where the favorite family tradition of abusing Indians everyday came from.
But, the next day, the Pilgrims realized they had no food. They also had no way of getting it. For this, they would need the help of dead people. So they prayed...
A young pilgrim emerged from within all the stupidity, and thought, maybe all this praying wasn't going to help them get food, maybe God wants them to find the food on their own. This young pilgrim was killed moments later.
Obviously, God was trying to teach the Pilgrims a lesson. You do what I tell you to do, or you die. By scaring the shit of every sensible Pilgrim, God proceeded to part the waters of Cape Cod, revealing Michelangelo’s painting "The Last Supper" except the food was real, and Jesus wasn't.
Jim, having no idea what the hell message Alex's last paragraph was trying to convey, stuck needles into his skull.
Alex, seeing Jim with needles in his skull, proceded to his Thanksgiving Feast, thankful for the great miracle God had performed for the cyber community.
And that's why every Thanksgiving the souls of the damned raise from the dead and feast on the living.
This year, it is my prediction that the feasted upon human being will be...LARRY KING, what a douche.
And my prediction is of course, well, yea, Larry King.(lousy douchebag)
However, Larry King isn't all that dumb, he at least allowed himself to be on the same set as Jerry Seinfeld only two days before he dies. If there's one way to ensure you're going straight to hell, it's to be Jewish (Or at least once been), and to have one of the last acts of your life be a conversation with yet another Jew.
And that’s the story of why all Jews go to hell.
I mean Thanksgiving.
If you don't accept it, let's plan to meet up in hell, because you'll be there too.
Fucking terrible, right? Well if that wasn’t bad enough, we actually wrote one prior to that that we didn’t put up because it was so awful, it gave me cancer of the prostate.
For many years, Americans have given thanks in November, and it's not for being able to vote. Now, it's to remember an arcane event that happened nearly 400 years ago. Most Americans do not understand this event; they just know to eat the turkey. However, we do know the reason, and will impart to you the Story of Thanksgiving.
So whether you are a fan of the moist turkey, the delicious mashed potatoes, or the disgusting radioactive pile of shit, cranberry sauce (how the fuck are cranberries can-shaped), keep in mind your not eating food. Oh no my good friend, your eating a pack of lies. A PACK OF LIES!
The common theory taught in public schools is that the Pilgrims and the Indians worked together to create a better life for both cultures, and that they celebrated with a feast; Thanksgiving. However, there is a new theory out, only in Kansas, called Intelligent Slaughter. It suggests that the common theory of Thanksgiving has holes, and that it's a theory, not a fact, and students should be able to pick which one they prefer.
Oh. yes the Intelligent Slaughter...fuck, goddamnit, sorry, but that cranberry shit is so bad. It's so bad that this may accidently end up to be a rant about cranberry sauce instead of "accidently" being a rant about Mexicans as I orignaly planned.
Jim apologizes for his behavior. I don't care. If I was actually mad at him, I'd send him to Kansas. There, they learn that in reality, the Pilgrims were ordered by god to kill the Indians, because they were a threat to the establishment. The good Indians were allowed to eat leftovers of the Pilgrims. They were so thankful, they called it Thanksgiving. There's the story of a bad theory made short.
Though, we here at Brick-Bats (NOTE: THIS WAS THE NAME OF OUR SITE IT WAS ORIGINALLY TO BE POSTED ON) don't settle for the short story, we go all the way. We all know that Alex hadn't finished because he forgot to mention the Mexicans, and how they can't keep a job.
Ah yes, the Mexicans. Well, as all this was going on, the Pilgrims got lazy, and hired the Mexican immigrants to build a ship that would take the Pilgrims to heaven. The Mexicans built the ship. The pilgrims got in. They ended up in Massachusetts. Man, were they pissed.
But that was a story that shouldn't be told. And surely, Alex will be killed tomorrow for revealing the true secret of Thanksgiving. And I'll stay perfectly unharmed until a Mexican reads this site (in theory, I could live forever).
Is that because no Mexicans can read, or because no one will read the site?
Oh you sly devil you!
Wait, aren't we supposed to be talking about Thanksgiving.
Yes, we are
We are the definition of Asshole. Happy Thanksgiving TO ALL! Except you Mexicans. (I'm that confident)
Happy Thanksgiving to all except the Dallas Cowboys. When it's an American holiday, be patriotic, and root against America's team. It just makes sense.
(NOTE: I DON’T HATE MEXICANS ANYMORE, THAT WAS MORE OF A 2005 THING)
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