January 2007
The bird flu came back, and this time, instead of secluding itself to those dirty Asian countries, it expanded its borders to encompass the whole world. It went global, so to speak (HAR HAR HAR!) Now we all can enjoy the bird flu in the comfort of our own homes!
Anna Nicole Smith died with a very bad case of bird flu.
The WWF declared a new species, called the Bornean Clouded Leopard. Unfortunately, Bornean Clouded Leopard Flu spreads not long after.
Apple Corp. releases its new project, a whole new FUCKING 13th MONTH.
April 2007
South Korean National and well accomplished shit fuck, Seung-Hui Cho, is responsible for the death of over 30 students in the Virginia Tech shootings, then commits Seung-Hui Cho-icide (that’s the correct term when you commit suicide and your name is Seung-Hui Cho). This stemmed from his anxiety disorder called selective mutism, and later investigation found trace amounts of dickhead in his blood.
June 2007
Chris Benoit, a well-known wrestler and killer of his family, kills his wife and strangles his son to death. However, it was later figured out that it was steroid-induced “roid rage”. So when I say Chris Benoit killed his wife and child, replace Chris Benoit with “steroids”. Surely Chris Benoit can’t be blamed for the actions of the Evil Steroid Monster.
Not long after, “Steroids” committed Seung-Hui Cho-icide (Chris Benoit-icide sounds so fucking retarded that I’m gonna borrow that term for Chris Benoit, Seung-Hui Cho shouldn’t mind though, because he’s dead).
On an interesting side note, Peanut Butter killed O.J. Simpson’s wife.
July 2008
First off I know I wrote July 2008. And no, we didn’t skip ahead a whole year when July came around, you stupid, stupid asshole. July was just so uninteresting that I had to borrow an event from the future. So here it is, July 2008 baby!
Bill Gates stepped down from the daily Microsoft duties and was appropriately replaced by Bird Flu. Bird Flu now owns 8% of Microsoft, in addition to owning 8% of your mother. ZING!
August 2033
Out of fucking no where, as soon as August started the whole world went 25 years in the future as a sneak preview, courtesy of Disney Studios. Unfortunately that August 2033 preview showed us that the future is much like the present only with even more Britney Spears’s Vagina (it’s appropriately capitalized, if you remember English freshmen year of high school, Britney Spears’s Vagina is a proper noun). Needless to say, I got enough of that back in February of 2007 (and last night, HAR HAR HAR).
September 2007
This month marked the sixth year anniversary of the September 11 attacks, which it’s a good thing I was reminded of this constantly or I might have fucking forgot.
October 2007
Track star Marion Jones willingly gave up her five gold medals and accepted a two year ban from the Olympic Games after using a prohibited performance enhancing steroid.
THEN IN A FIT OF ROID RAGE, STRANGLED HER SON!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding, she’s not Chris Benoit or anything.
November 2007
The Hollywood Writer’s strike started after a feud between writers and producers. This is because the producers didn’t allow the writers to fuck their cousins. Creator of Family Guy and world-famous cousin fucker, Seth McFarlane had this to say:
“This is an outrage, I’m expected to write for Family Guy and NOT fuck my cousin.”
December 2007
At the San Francisco Zoo, three dipshits and most likely, terrorists, rightfully got the fuck mauled out of them by an escaped Tiger named Tatiana that they fired a slingshot at and taunted. Carlos Sousa was killed, while brothers Paul and Kulbir Dhaliwal got their shit messed up BADLY. Cops eventually killed Tatiana before she finished the job and permanently pwned Paul and Kulbir, unfortunately.
This is a photo taken from the scene. Unfortunately, Tatiana was killed before the real LOLs could commence.
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