Baltimore

I didn't write this (although I easily could have, it's right up my alley). Our friend Nikki did. So address your concerns to him...although I'm not providing any contact info. Track him down yourself.

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Baltimore is a great place. Most of the city’s male population has either spent some time in jail or as the Ravens’ starting quarterback (why else would Ozzie be scouring Delaware for lads to fill in behind center). If a foreign country ever attacked America, you could find me posted up in Baltimore. When BET (Black Entertainment Television, to you readers not well versed in African American culture. Haha I just made a joke: African American culture.) did a special on real American Gangsters, I recall that at least half those brothas were from Baltimore. There are so many damn guns in that city that even the NRA’s jealous, though they won’t admit it. White folk don’t get jealous of black people. Shit don’t work that way. Ain’t never been a white fellow to say “well gosh darned, I wish I were in that brotha’s situation. Man, I wish I was in a spot like that nigga OJ. Why that Rubin Carter nigga getting all the breaks?” But if Iran or some shit attacked America, for the first time in my life, I’d feel safest in Baltimore. It’s a little known fact, but during the Revolutionary War, the British, in top secret communication, told us, “We want our colonies back, but damn…y’all can keep Baltimore.”

The Wire’s in Baltimore. Melvin Williams is from Baltimore. Even The Corner’s in Baltimore. When the writers of The Corner were thinking, “hmmm where can we find a place to shoot a movie about the devastating social effects of the heroin trade?” you know they didn’t have to think twice. If you’re ever up at 2 in the morning and you don’t have much to do, switch on BET. The Corner should be on. That movie has some good solid tips. Boy, if you’re ever stuck in Baltimore, and you’re some place to score some good heroin, you’re gonna be wishing you listened to me and seen The Corner a few times. Actually, forget that, if you’re stuck in Baltimore and you can’t find some good heroin, you’re probably blind or deaf or something, which means you can’t watch The Corner anyways. But damn does that movie have some useful shit. I get all my tips from The Corner. Like if your crackhead addict stupid bitch of a girlfriend is left alone with your stash, you probably shouldn’t trust her to divide the shit equally when its time to consume the merchandise. And if you’re in need of some heroin money by selling metal scraps, theres no better place to get it than the plumbing underneath a single mother’s apartment. Her kids will love it when the shower stops working because ole’ Willie was stealin the pipes again. And I don’t mean to stereotype, but I thought Asian people were supposed to be smart. The only convenience store on The Corner is owned by a couple of Chinese dudes, and everyday, like clockwork, theres always some mothafuckers tryin to rob that joint. Whenever they have cameras rolling in that prosperous establishment (quite the understatement), theres always some dude in a mask with a 22 jacking that place up for cigarettes, 7 up, and some Doritos.

In all seriousness, Im so sheltered that I can’t even find the bad parts of Baltimore if I tried. If I ever ended up on Alameda, the violent drug gangs would probably stop their evening gunfight shootout to escort me home. Hell, even if if I went out of my way to find The Corner, I’d probably end up in the lobby of the Sheraton. But there is one thing I noticed: there is a distinct “Baltimore accent.” Or more accurately, a “BAWmore accent.” Say it a few times aloud, so you can get an idea of how stupid it is. BAWmore.

BAWmore.

BAWmore.

“Nigga where you from?”

“Nigga, I’m reppin BAWmore. You tryna ‘front wit BAWmore?? I don’t think so, cuz me and my niggas put on for BAWmore.”

Your brain cells should be going on strike any second. Until they do, you can find me in BAWmore.