Damn you, iTunes

I rarely purchase music. That doesn’t automatically categorize me as an illegal downloader; I haven’t got the guts. Rather, I subsist on ripping friends’ music to my computer, and, if my library appears particularly worn and barren, I browse my parents’ collection (don’t snicker; it’s rude). One can never acquire too much Bruce Springsteen, particularly when one is not purchasing the aforementioned Bruce Springsteen.

My justification for buying music sparingly is simple: cheapness and laziness. Why buy a CD when one could merely download a free iTunes sample? Why exert energy venturing to a record store that probably closed five years ago when one can just surf YouTube? One recurring gift, however, renders my philosophy irrelevant – an iTunes gift card.

Enormously popular, particularly among elderly relatives seeking to give presents with a modern twist (simple cash has a modern twist, too, should my family be reading), iTunes gift cards have become the latest “I don’t know you very well” present. But I shouldn’t complain too much; the gift cards suit me exceptionally well. Music becomes free, and beyond painstakingly scratching the card’s reverse side to reveal the authorization code (if this takes me ten minutes, am I doing something wrong?), using them entails surprisingly little effort.

A beautiful parity surrounded the iTunes system; songs were $0.99, videos $1.99, and albums $9.99. Even a price-compulsive shopper like myself could not complain; with every item bearing an identical cost, I was saved the hours I would have otherwise spent debating whether The Killers’ new single is really $0.30 superior to Another Indie Song.

But that era is no more. Like the Harding Administration, the Hartford Whalers, and Seinfeld, it’s gone, likely never to return: Apple has adopted pricing tiers for its music - $0.69, $0.99, and $1.29. Originally, the new system seemed quite palatable; I like good music, my snooty indie-loving side nonchalantly thought. We all know nothing of quality ever achieves radio airplay.

However, as loyal Not Horrible readers surely remember, I possess an unusual appreciation for The Killers. So, after registering my latest iTunes gift card earlier this month, I immediately searched for a recent single, forgetting entirely the immense popularity The Killers enjoy. Three numbers quickly reminded me.

1.

2.

9.

How could this be happening? How could I, the high-class sophisticate who cringed when Vampire Weekend met Hollister, find myself forced to pay $1.29 – the additional fee, the philistine fee – for music?

I understand the business rationale behind Apple’s pricing decisions. I cannot blame the company for making The Killers’ music cost $0.30 more than Tally Hall’s. But I’ve always viewed The Killers and The Fray as my guilty pleasures – believe me, iTunes, I already felt conflicted enough about attempting to purchase “Human.” Now my wallet feels guilty, too.

Naturally, I declined to purchase The Killers’ new single. $1.29 is just too much – 30 cents too much. My indie brethren had taken note of my addiction to “How to Save a Life,” and Killers-fascination. I heard they were planning an intervention.

That would be redundant now; iTunes knows the road to my musical taste buds goes straight through my wallet.

Baltimore

I didn't write this (although I easily could have, it's right up my alley). Our friend Nikki did. So address your concerns to him...although I'm not providing any contact info. Track him down yourself.

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Baltimore is a great place. Most of the city’s male population has either spent some time in jail or as the Ravens’ starting quarterback (why else would Ozzie be scouring Delaware for lads to fill in behind center). If a foreign country ever attacked America, you could find me posted up in Baltimore. When BET (Black Entertainment Television, to you readers not well versed in African American culture. Haha I just made a joke: African American culture.) did a special on real American Gangsters, I recall that at least half those brothas were from Baltimore. There are so many damn guns in that city that even the NRA’s jealous, though they won’t admit it. White folk don’t get jealous of black people. Shit don’t work that way. Ain’t never been a white fellow to say “well gosh darned, I wish I were in that brotha’s situation. Man, I wish I was in a spot like that nigga OJ. Why that Rubin Carter nigga getting all the breaks?” But if Iran or some shit attacked America, for the first time in my life, I’d feel safest in Baltimore. It’s a little known fact, but during the Revolutionary War, the British, in top secret communication, told us, “We want our colonies back, but damn…y’all can keep Baltimore.”

The Wire’s in Baltimore. Melvin Williams is from Baltimore. Even The Corner’s in Baltimore. When the writers of The Corner were thinking, “hmmm where can we find a place to shoot a movie about the devastating social effects of the heroin trade?” you know they didn’t have to think twice. If you’re ever up at 2 in the morning and you don’t have much to do, switch on BET. The Corner should be on. That movie has some good solid tips. Boy, if you’re ever stuck in Baltimore, and you’re some place to score some good heroin, you’re gonna be wishing you listened to me and seen The Corner a few times. Actually, forget that, if you’re stuck in Baltimore and you can’t find some good heroin, you’re probably blind or deaf or something, which means you can’t watch The Corner anyways. But damn does that movie have some useful shit. I get all my tips from The Corner. Like if your crackhead addict stupid bitch of a girlfriend is left alone with your stash, you probably shouldn’t trust her to divide the shit equally when its time to consume the merchandise. And if you’re in need of some heroin money by selling metal scraps, theres no better place to get it than the plumbing underneath a single mother’s apartment. Her kids will love it when the shower stops working because ole’ Willie was stealin the pipes again. And I don’t mean to stereotype, but I thought Asian people were supposed to be smart. The only convenience store on The Corner is owned by a couple of Chinese dudes, and everyday, like clockwork, theres always some mothafuckers tryin to rob that joint. Whenever they have cameras rolling in that prosperous establishment (quite the understatement), theres always some dude in a mask with a 22 jacking that place up for cigarettes, 7 up, and some Doritos.

In all seriousness, Im so sheltered that I can’t even find the bad parts of Baltimore if I tried. If I ever ended up on Alameda, the violent drug gangs would probably stop their evening gunfight shootout to escort me home. Hell, even if if I went out of my way to find The Corner, I’d probably end up in the lobby of the Sheraton. But there is one thing I noticed: there is a distinct “Baltimore accent.” Or more accurately, a “BAWmore accent.” Say it a few times aloud, so you can get an idea of how stupid it is. BAWmore.

BAWmore.

BAWmore.

“Nigga where you from?”

“Nigga, I’m reppin BAWmore. You tryna ‘front wit BAWmore?? I don’t think so, cuz me and my niggas put on for BAWmore.”

Your brain cells should be going on strike any second. Until they do, you can find me in BAWmore.

Masturbation

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Western Conference Second Half Preview

I love NBA basketball. I can't decide if it's because of my awesome athletic ability, my love of hip-hop music, or my innate skill to speak the NBA language, but any way you slice and dice it, I'm a natural baller. There's no disputing that. Particularly when it comes to bounce passes. My bounce passes are really good. I've also mastered the Rick Barry free throw.

But from Rick to Brent we go, and Brent's team, the defending NBA champion San Antonio Spurs, find themselves in an unfamiliar situation - 5th place in the Western Conference. For the last, oh, ten years, NBA supremacy has flowed through the West like water through the Mississippi River or corruption through the Republican Party. It's been a decade of Los Angeles and San Antonio gloriously succeeding, and Dallas, Sacramento, Phoenix among others egregiously failing. But that could change.

Ha. Who am I kidding. I wouldn't bet against the Spurs in the playoffs. Ever. It'd be as stupid as betting against Tom Brady...I mean Roger Federer...perhaps we're on to something.

1. New Orleans Hornets (36-15)
If a team is really good, but they play in a half-deserted, impoverished shadow of a once lively city, do they matter? The Hornets are like the NHL's Buffalo Sabres, except people actually care about the hockey team.

2. Phoenix Suns (37-16)
Hooray for big fat man in the Steve Nash offense. In other news, Barack Obama selected Tom Delay as his running mate because he felt the antithesis of his entire campaign wasn't adequately represented.

3. Los Angeles Lakers (35-17)
How ironic would it be if the Suns twice defeat Kobe with the Nash-Marion core, yet lose as soon as they acquire Shaq? I'm sure Kobe would be mature about it.

4. Utah Jazz (34-19)
I love the NBA. Utah's a middling team until a one-dimensional white shooter arrives from Philadelphia, and suddenly they're impossible to stop. KYLE KORVER FORVER. (or threeever, perhaps)

5. San Antonio Spurs (34-17)
I learned today that Brent Barry once won the Slam Dunk Contest. Oddly enough, it was the same year Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs. Oh, 1996 and athletes doing things they had no business doing.

6. Dallas Mavericks (35-18)
I'm glad the Mavericks didn't lose 8 of their last 10 playoff games with this roster. Otherwise I'd be worried they didn't trade for Jason Kidd.

7. Golden State Warriors (32-20)
I've run out of witty comments. Of all Western teams, the Warriors probably have the least upside, although that means nothing, since it's the stupidest term since sliced bread. I prefer my bread cut, thank you.

8. Houston Rockets (32-20)
They have the best Chinese player in basketball. That's a bit like having the best black player in the NHL. They still aren't making the second round, again.

9. Denver Nuggets (32-20)
I hate this team. Actually no, that's incorrect. I have nothing against the Denver Nuggets basketball team, but such a creature ceased to exist after the Allen Iverson trade. Hooray 10 for 30 shooting nights...times two.

10. Portland Trail Blazers (28-24)
I love this team, however. Undermanned but with a raucous home crowd behind them, the Blazers are blazing their way to a playoff berth. Well, they would be if they played in the East. So it goes.

13-15. Memphis Grizzlies (14-38), Seattle Super Sonics (13-38), Minnesota Timberwolves (10-41)
So this is how ten teams have records solidly above .500. I get it now.

Conference Finals Prediction?
Utah Jazz over Los Angeles Lakers. It'll be the year of the "Teams That Forgot To Change Names When They Moved."

Political Analysts learn Hilary Clinton’s shit does smell

WASHINGTON, DC— Despite claims that would prove otherwise, political analysts found out this weekend that 2008 Demorcratic Presidential Candidate Hilary Rodham Clinton does, in fact, have some smelly ass shit.

“The smell was fucking awful,” said one political analyst who got to experience the smelly shit first hand, “absolutely goddamned awful. It’s a damn shame that instead of covering the current issues, I spend a good part of my day smelling Hilary Clinton shit.”

Good News

I'm pleased to be the bearer of good news.

No, we're not taking this site down. It's staying for at least one more post after this. Back in the days of our old website, Brick-Bats, (it's not online anymore, don't go looking for it) we maintained credibility through one piece, one bit of pure comedic genius. Shockingly, it was written by neither Jim nor myself. No, our friend "Bob" decided to write about Family Circus, and it was so good that a) We forever love "Bob," b) "Bob"'s work so overshadowed our own that we never dared write again for our own website, and c) For the last two years, everyone who read "Bob"'s original piece has incessantly bugged him to write again.

Well, my sources ("Bob"), tell me the writing recluse is emerging from his literary cave with a manuscript so impressive, so inspiring, so Bob-ish, that it can only be published on one site - Not Horrible. Here at Not Horrible, we're very glad "Bob" doesn't know anyone else who publishes a blog/website.

I don't have an exact publication date of "Bob"'s latest work, but I assure you as soon as it's in my email inbox, it will be posted here. Until then...well, there's really nothing to do but wait. And wait. And wait.

A Review of 2007

Webster’s defines 2007 as: “a fucking terrible year”. I’d like to think otherwise, and I’ve proven my point with a comprehensive month by month commentary of 2007. ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS!!!!:

January 2007
The bird flu came back, and this time, instead of secluding itself to those dirty Asian countries, it expanded its borders to encompass the whole world. It went global, so to speak (HAR HAR HAR!) Now we all can enjoy the bird flu in the comfort of our own homes!

February 2007
Anna Nicole Smith died with a very bad case of bird flu.

March 2007
The WWF declared a new species, called the Bornean Clouded Leopard. Unfortunately, Bornean Clouded Leopard Flu spreads not long after.

iMonth 2007
Apple Corp. releases its new project, a whole new FUCKING 13th MONTH.

April 2007
South Korean National and well accomplished shit fuck, Seung-Hui Cho, is responsible for the death of over 30 students in the Virginia Tech shootings, then commits Seung-Hui Cho-icide (that’s the correct term when you commit suicide and your name is Seung-Hui Cho). This stemmed from his anxiety disorder called selective mutism, and later investigation found trace amounts of dickhead in his blood.

June 2007
Chris Benoit, a well-known wrestler and killer of his family, kills his wife and strangles his son to death. However, it was later figured out that it was steroid-induced “roid rage”. So when I say Chris Benoit killed his wife and child, replace Chris Benoit with “steroids”. Surely Chris Benoit can’t be blamed for the actions of the Evil Steroid Monster.

Not long after, “Steroids” committed Seung-Hui Cho-icide (Chris Benoit-icide sounds so fucking retarded that I’m gonna borrow that term for Chris Benoit, Seung-Hui Cho shouldn’t mind though, because he’s dead).

On an interesting side note, Peanut Butter killed O.J. Simpson’s wife.

July 2008
First off I know I wrote July 2008. And no, we didn’t skip ahead a whole year when July came around, you stupid, stupid asshole. July was just so uninteresting that I had to borrow an event from the future. So here it is, July 2008 baby!

Bill Gates stepped down from the daily Microsoft duties and was appropriately replaced by Bird Flu. Bird Flu now owns 8% of Microsoft, in addition to owning 8% of your mother. ZING!

August 2033
Out of fucking no where, as soon as August started the whole world went 25 years in the future as a sneak preview, courtesy of Disney Studios. Unfortunately that August 2033 preview showed us that the future is much like the present only with even more Britney Spears’s Vagina (it’s appropriately capitalized, if you remember English freshmen year of high school, Britney Spears’s Vagina is a proper noun). Needless to say, I got enough of that back in February of 2007 (and last night, HAR HAR HAR).

September 2007
This month marked the sixth year anniversary of the September 11 attacks, which it’s a good thing I was reminded of this constantly or I might have fucking forgot.

October 2007
Track star Marion Jones willingly gave up her five gold medals and accepted a two year ban from the Olympic Games after using a prohibited performance enhancing steroid.

THEN IN A FIT OF ROID RAGE, STRANGLED HER SON!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding, she’s not Chris Benoit or anything.

November 2007
The Hollywood Writer’s strike started after a feud between writers and producers. This is because the producers didn’t allow the writers to fuck their cousins. Creator of Family Guy and world-famous cousin fucker, Seth McFarlane had this to say:

“This is an outrage, I’m expected to write for Family Guy and NOT fuck my cousin.”

December 2007
At the San Francisco Zoo, three dipshits and most likely, terrorists, rightfully got the fuck mauled out of them by an escaped Tiger named Tatiana that they fired a slingshot at and taunted. Carlos Sousa was killed, while brothers Paul and Kulbir Dhaliwal got their shit messed up BADLY. Cops eventually killed Tatiana before she finished the job and permanently pwned Paul and Kulbir, unfortunately.

This is a photo taken from the scene. Unfortunately, Tatiana was killed before the real LOLs could commence.